Anxiety,  Personal

The anxiety of being sick.. whilst not looking it.

Asthma, Anxiety, Fibromyalgia, and Joint hyper-mobility syndrome all have something in common. On the most part they are INVISIBLE, so whilst I can most definitely feel their symptoms, people rarely see them. I end up with lots of different thoughts and anxieties that on occasion really stress me out. Here are my most commonly thought anxieties:

Socialising

Making plans with friends is always a stressful experience. This isn’t because I don’t want to hang out with them, of course i do. It is just because there is always this nagging doubt in the back of my mind that come the day I will feel too ill and not be able to commit to my plans.

If i feel that I am not going to be well enough to commit to plans I feel as though I have to come up with an excuse that sounds more plausible than “I don’t feel well enough”. I don’t have the confidence to say “I am too tired today” or “I ache too much so I am going to take a rest day”. I feel as if I were to say “I am taking a rest day” the friend would turn around and say “Rest day?, resting from what exactly”. The truth is I would be resting from something as simple as taking a shower, doing some washing, going to town, all the things people without chronic pain and fatigue can do with ease. These are all the things I feel as though I have to plan a nap around!

Career/Life “progression”

One of my biggest anxieties is probably the idea I have in my head that I should be further along in life. The standard , house, job, car (though i do have one of those and i forever love my little KA!) cycle in life. I have the qualifications to allow me to move forward. However, I feel that because people can’t see my conditions they think that I am being lazy.

The reality is… some days just getting out of bed uses all the energy I have managed to preserve over the course of my good nights sleep. I am lucky I sleep well, though its a lot to do with the medication I have to take in the evening that makes me sleepy.

I have full intention of finding myself a job with more hours that will allow me to eventually move out of home and get my own place. I just know that the timescale for doing this will be slow and steady and I can’t put a time on it just at this moment in time.

Exercising

I like to go to the gym. I always have enjoyed the gym, I think its really good for my mental health because I burn off a lot anger related energy through exercise and i always feel so much better after a workout.

I really worry that if I go to the gym and throw myself into exercise and getting fitter people won’t believe my bad days. Then there are the instances when I may physically push myself and if people see this I think to myself they must think “she can’t possibly be in pain”. I would never do anything that would have a negative impact on my condition but if i can do it without much pain then I am going to do it.

It does not mean I don’t have fibromyalgia and i really worry people believe I could be faking it. I mainly go to the gym because of my hyper mobility. I have to build up strength for my mobility. The more I do, I am hoping the better I feel. You won’t find me running marathons… (not just yet).

So, thats really the main thoughts I have whilst navigating through this life with chronic illnesses. Do you share the same thoughts? Do you have anymore I haven’t added here. I would love to know. You can find me on both facebook and twitter (@onceuponafibro) or email me on onceuponafibrotime@hotmail.com.

Until next time.

x

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