Anxiety,  Personal,  University

Please don’t ask me this.

What are you doing with your life?

Ever since 2014, when to me, my whole life went to pot I have had a least favourite question. What are you doing with your life?

I translate this in my brain to the following;

‘You have your degrees, you are a healthy young woman why are you being so lazy?’

That is literally what I hear from these comments and I panic. I honestly feel myself wanting to crawl into a hole and I want to hide. I am yet to workout exactly where my life is going to take me.

Right this minute….

I need to look after my own health. Also, I feel like I am constantly fighting for doctors to listen to me because frankly I feel shocking 99% of the time. I work two days a week and by the time I am done with those days, the third day I need to recover. What I don’t like is the fact I need to recover, but what I like less is the fact I’m required to justify it far too often.

Today the person that has mentored me asked me the same thing, and I hated the idea of lying to him about having it all figured out. So I told him the truth, and he told me I will get through it all and work it out eventually. This is because in the 13 years I have known him he has always had faith in me.

Bad mental health

I don’t know the best way to explain this and I know I don’t have to, but i want to. People who know me, know I went through some crap a few years back and this has made it near on impossible for me to talk about the fact I have a degree in building surveying. I hate it, I hate discussing it, I ain’t proud of it and I just, nah lets not.

That is why I went back to uni, I thought it would be my way of rewriting the wrong in my head and getting the happy ending I deserved. Its been a bumpy ride, but I can tell you I find it a little bit easier to say I have a masters degree in construction project management. That I say with a level of pride.

It basically puts me at a point now where I can now look for jobs. I can build on the success I have had and create some sort of life for myself. However, it is not going to happen over night. Some days I can barely function at the moment because I am too tired, too pained, too f u bad mental health. Just getting out of a bed is an achievement. The people who ask me “what are you doing with your life” don’t see this. Though I believe even if they did they wouldn’t even believe it.

Please don’t ask me what I am doing with my life though. This is because in the moment that we are chatting I am doing the right thing for me, and just as it might not be what you stereo-typically believe to be the standard thing, its what I can cope with.

 

 

 

 

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