Thursday marks 4 weeks since I began my masters back at uwe and quite frankly I have had the best start to 2017 and I totally love my life at the moment. I feel like I’m alive finally building the life I deserve after hiding in the shadows for too long. Fibromyalgia isn’t the only reason I feel I lived in the shadows, anxiety made me believe I didn’t deserve success and happiness, like for some reason I got this chronic illness I’d had some shit times and that was the life I am destined for and all I could hope for.
Not to feel like that anymore is the most amazing thing. I promised myself the day before my 26th birthday I would make being 26 the best year of my life and 3 months in I think I’m doing a pretty good job. Fibro and pain and lack of confidence made me miss out on so much but since November 2nd I’ve spent way more times with my friends than I ever did and I truly believe they see me as friends now, not just the inconvenience I did for a very long time. They accept me as a person with chronic pain wanting to live as best as possible, maybe they always did… Maybe the problem was always me. Who knows, but now feel great and I feel I should celebrate that fact after being a miserable shit for so long.
In terms of managing fibro with uni it is no way easy. My timetable has one long week (3 long days) followed by a short week of one day. The long week really takes it out of me and by the Thursday evening I am not really feeling as tho I can manage to think straight let alone complete uni work but I am finding that on the shorter week I have a lot more energy so between the two it is pretty balanced. However the real difference I am finding is just how much I want this now. I’m not sure what was going through my head in the last few months of my undergraduate degree but it was certainly not to complete things as best as possible, I just wanted to finish and forget about it any grade would do until I actually got my grade and then I just wanted to forget it existed.
The next month is going to be super hard I have lots of assignments due and I will probably be surviving on coffee and painkillers and have celine dion CDs on repeat (her music relaxes me!) and then when they are done I have to start thinking about my dissertation. I have a topic choice in my mind and so far I have had great feedback about the route I want to take for it so that makes me super excited. Never thought I’d see the day where I am excited about writing 14000 words just because I think the topic choice gives me the opportunity to show exactly what I am capable of academically. I have never been so passionate about a topic, and I hope that shows when I write it. But that is all I am saying on that 😊.