Ever since I finished university in August 2014 I have felt constantly judged by the entire world for not instantly making use of my degree and not having a full time job yet. Many of my real life friends know how hard it was for me to even get my degree, so I hate how people make me feel. For a while I managed to fob people off with excuses, I want to wait until x..y..z but now I am finding it really hard to come up with answers and I have come to the conclusion.
Why do I need to come up with answers?
Why do I need to justify my life to others.?
Living with a chronic illness is the full time job I never choose. Living with pain and fatigue takes up every hour of every day and to make matters worse I don’t feel as though I even have my pain under control at the moment. So the idea of forcing myself out of bed, in pain, exhausted to work 35+ a week in a job I may really struggle with and may even fail at just to fit in with the world, well I am not even considering that. It is my life. I have a degree but I also have Fibromyalgia and that sucks but it also makes me strong.
I know that people think that I just work weekends and then spend the other 5 days a week doing nothing. I mean I find it hard to do nothing. I am always on the go, between helping Mum, helping Nan, doctors appointments, trying to rest I find it hard to have time to do much else. I do look for jobs, I do try but right now getting my pain, finding a routine and learning to manage this condition, well for me that it far more important than trying to fit in to a world that I don’t really feel like I fit in.
The spoonie life is hard, but it is also incredibly motivating. The people I have come in contact with, both online and in real life have given me so much strength.
This is my life, I will live it how I like. I will do the best for my health, I will find my way. I am probably putting more pressure on myself than I need to and maybe people aren’t actually judging me as much as I think.
I will get there eventually.